I made a realization during my coffee and quiet time this morning that I believe might be useful and/or helpful to others. I have required a significant amount of permission from others in my life, and it has held me back in a lot of ways.
I went on a journey to explore and understand why I have the requirement, how it does and does not serve me, and whether or not and how it can be changed, so I can move forward with my life and achieve my full potential.
I discovered a conflict between two beliefs that I have held and one of them I have written about on The Twisted Witch Blog in the past. The Ripple Effect. I’ve heavily practiced for many years now, being aware of how my thoughts, emotions, and actions impact the universe as a whole. It has helped me in many ways to do or not things in my practices that serve others and do no harm. The other belief I hold is that I can’t change or control the thoughts, emotions, or behaviors of others, and I don’t have to suffer their consequences either.
The conflict for me is that being aware of the Ripple Effect I have on life has made me hypervigilant around not doing things that could potentially cause harm or disarray of any kind to others without their consent and I can’t ask permission or nor can they give their consent to me to do what I want to do in most cases, so I just don’t do it.
I didn’t consider the fact that I was making decisions based on assumptions and potentials, not on facts. There was no way for me to “see” if what I was assuming was correct or not because the impacts that I could “see” happened to people and things that I don’t “know” personally. I assumed it was what I saw, and behaved accordingly.
It created a lot of inaction in me, as well as a ton of guilt, depression, and anxiety that I now realize was self-defeating and harmful to me and it was all because I was making a very specific assumption. I’m responsible for every impact I have on life, which also means everyone else’s life.
I ignored the fact that everyone is capable of being flexible and choosing how they respond to and what they do with what life brings them and they are supposed to. I was taking it upon myself to make it so they didn’t have to. I had forgotten that life is supposed to be challenging, because the challenges are what make us grow, and in making it so they don’t have to deal with challenges I create, I was robbing them of things that could help them grow and progress through life, and I was suffering.
The suffering has been tremendous for me because I don’t just do this with the people I’m directly connected to. I believe I am connected to and have an impact on every living thing in the universe, so I really do not do a whole lot of things.
This has been especially prevalent for me when I want to do things just for me, like self-care. Taking the time to take care of myself takes me away from being available for others, and I’ve had experiences where not being available for others has caused them to not want to be available for me when I need them. That has left me in some very precarious and awful situations, and I have had to work really hard to just save myself to the point that I have been in a hyper-preventive mindset for many years now.
Taking the time this morning to do this contemplation, has helped me change my perspective and begin to do more things that serve me better, with less guilt, depression, anxiety, and I really need that now more than ever with my health not being where I want it to be.
